I know alot of you guys have been asking me how I maintain my looks and I've been pretty vague about it. Well fret no more because I will finally be divulging the secrets behind my utterly fabulous and ageless visage!!! :)))
To stay forever young looking- sacrifice an infant on a full moon and dance the Macarena 3 times in a public area the day after. For those who were born too young to know what the Macarena is, allow me to introduce to you one of the highest achievements in music and dance history :p
How to get rid of Acne- bathing in lamb's blood once a week pretty much does the trick for me ;)
Scar problem? - Unicorn's tears will get rid of it pronto!
To increase sexual magnetism- chant this 3 times when you meet the man of your dreams "I am currently ovulating"
How I stay thin- lots and lots of liver for protein, no junkfood and I drink copious amounts of snake venom to increase my metabolism.
Want beautiful golden locks? - Bleaching can be too damaging so instead use this old recipe to achieve the mane of your dreams!
- Boil one cup of water and mix in 1 toenail of a virgin, a pig's heart and your father's nose hair for 10 minutes.
- Remove from heat and let it cool.
- Process mixture in the blender for 5 minutes
- Apply on your hair, leave it on and sing Gold by Spandau Ballet (You will need to memorize the lyrics)
- Rinse once the song is finished!
- Voila! Goldilocks-worthy head of hair ;)
How I stay fabulous- I eat glitter for breakfast! Sometimes during extremely rough days, I might need to consume a diamond or two to start me up!
*Disclaimer: This regimen might not work for everyone especially if you are extremely unfabulous or evil. Those with heart ailments and birth defects should consult their local witch doctor before trying the Goldilocks formula.
An old cartoon I loved when I was a kid ;)
Happy Halloween folks! :p
I'd love to hear from you guys!
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